How to Handle a Jealous Older Sibling
I dreamed of growing my family and giving my older daughter a sibling.
However, a divorce derailed my plans, until I met my current husband and we were lucky enough to welcome a healthy baby girl to our brood.
While I was pregnant, I would daydream about their little giggles as they plotted against me, the duets echoing from the backseat of the car, the snuggles, hand-holding, and even the bickering. Delivering my second (and last child) and waiting for her big sister to arrive to meet her was one of those moments I waited for my whole life. The way she looked at this new tiny life, the wonder in her eyes, the smile she couldn’t hold back.
It was everything.
Then we got home and I panicked. My kids are eight years apart, and the products of two different marriages. I know how much attention a baby requires and I know my older daughter understood…in theory at least. But that very first night, as we were settling into the bedtime routine, she looked at me and said, "I just feel like you love her more because you are doing so much for her and are in her room a lot giving her so much attention."
A part of me died inside. I felt sick wondering how this would change my family. My mom guilt crept in, and I worried that my older daughter would be upset when she wasn't with me for the weekend and her sister was.
I stressed over all of the attention I know that everyone shows a new baby and how it might take a toll on my firstborn. It was like a knife to my heart - I was in tears thinking I screwed up my family.
I knew these feelings were normal and that siblings can experience jealousy. When you are in a groove for so long and it gets disrupted, it can throw things off for everyone, especially older siblings.
The baby needed me for feedings, since I was nursing and my husband and I both tags teamed on soothing and other basic new parental responsibilities. My older one needed validation and compassion.
I kept reiterating how I understood it seemed a little unfair, but that she was brand new and just like SHE needed me to help her as a baby, now I had to do the same for her sister. How could I straddle both of these worlds and make sure everyone was getting what they needed?
There are so many things you can do before the baby arrives to get the big kids excited. I involved her in setting up the nursery and picking out baby clothes.
She came with me to doctor’s appointments to see the ultrasounds. At my baby shower, we asked everyone to bring a book for the baby that her big sister could read to her when she finally arrived.
My older daughter was self-sufficient when we brought her sister home. She was easy compared to the baby. She could get her own snacks, put herself to bed and take care of other needs without me hovering over her.
But that didn’t mean she wanted to.
She may not have been acting out in a negative way that you would expect with jealousy. But I could tell she was feeling left out.
It’s not easy, and it will take some juggling, but I found the best way to tackle jealousy was with some good old-fashioned time together - just the two of us.
Every weekend, my husband would be on baby duty while big sister and I had some alone time. Sometimes it was a trip for ice cream. Sometimes it was an early dinner at her favorite restaurant. We took trips to the movies and strolled around the mall. I always let her choose what we were doing and from the moment we got in the car, she would beam at me from the backseat excited at the prospect of getting me all to herself.
And you know what? I enjoyed having her all to myself too.
There was no need for grand gestures. My daughter just wanted a time where the focus was solely on her like it had been for all the years before her sister arrived. Even when we weren’t participating in alone time, we made a point to constantly reassure her that our love for her was stronger than ever.
I also think it’s important not to silo your parenting of each child. Get them involved in each other’s routines. Let older siblings help with bath time or feeding. While these things may seem mundane, to an older sibling they present bonding moments and chances for older siblings to see the cool side of being a big kid who’s allowed to help.
There’s no right or wrong way to do this, but rather, there’s just doing the best you can to juggle your new family dynamic. Just hang in there, take the time to talk to siblings so they know that you are listening and their little voice matters.
However, a divorce derailed my plans, until I met my current husband and we were lucky enough to welcome a healthy baby girl to our brood.
While I was pregnant, I would daydream about their little giggles as they plotted against me, the duets echoing from the backseat of the car, the snuggles, hand-holding, and even the bickering. Delivering my second (and last child) and waiting for her big sister to arrive to meet her was one of those moments I waited for my whole life. The way she looked at this new tiny life, the wonder in her eyes, the smile she couldn’t hold back.
It was everything.
When Mom Guilt Sets In
Then we got home and I panicked. My kids are eight years apart, and the products of two different marriages. I know how much attention a baby requires and I know my older daughter understood…in theory at least. But that very first night, as we were settling into the bedtime routine, she looked at me and said, "I just feel like you love her more because you are doing so much for her and are in her room a lot giving her so much attention."
A part of me died inside. I felt sick wondering how this would change my family. My mom guilt crept in, and I worried that my older daughter would be upset when she wasn't with me for the weekend and her sister was.
I stressed over all of the attention I know that everyone shows a new baby and how it might take a toll on my firstborn. It was like a knife to my heart - I was in tears thinking I screwed up my family.
It's Totally Normal
I knew these feelings were normal and that siblings can experience jealousy. When you are in a groove for so long and it gets disrupted, it can throw things off for everyone, especially older siblings.
The baby needed me for feedings, since I was nursing and my husband and I both tags teamed on soothing and other basic new parental responsibilities. My older one needed validation and compassion.
I kept reiterating how I understood it seemed a little unfair, but that she was brand new and just like SHE needed me to help her as a baby, now I had to do the same for her sister. How could I straddle both of these worlds and make sure everyone was getting what they needed?
Jealousy Doesn’t Look The Same For Everyone
There are so many things you can do before the baby arrives to get the big kids excited. I involved her in setting up the nursery and picking out baby clothes.
She came with me to doctor’s appointments to see the ultrasounds. At my baby shower, we asked everyone to bring a book for the baby that her big sister could read to her when she finally arrived.
My older daughter was self-sufficient when we brought her sister home. She was easy compared to the baby. She could get her own snacks, put herself to bed and take care of other needs without me hovering over her.
But that didn’t mean she wanted to.
She may not have been acting out in a negative way that you would expect with jealousy. But I could tell she was feeling left out.
Make Time for Some One-On-One
It’s not easy, and it will take some juggling, but I found the best way to tackle jealousy was with some good old-fashioned time together - just the two of us.
Every weekend, my husband would be on baby duty while big sister and I had some alone time. Sometimes it was a trip for ice cream. Sometimes it was an early dinner at her favorite restaurant. We took trips to the movies and strolled around the mall. I always let her choose what we were doing and from the moment we got in the car, she would beam at me from the backseat excited at the prospect of getting me all to herself.
And you know what? I enjoyed having her all to myself too.
There’s No Right Or Wrong
There was no need for grand gestures. My daughter just wanted a time where the focus was solely on her like it had been for all the years before her sister arrived. Even when we weren’t participating in alone time, we made a point to constantly reassure her that our love for her was stronger than ever.
I also think it’s important not to silo your parenting of each child. Get them involved in each other’s routines. Let older siblings help with bath time or feeding. While these things may seem mundane, to an older sibling they present bonding moments and chances for older siblings to see the cool side of being a big kid who’s allowed to help.
There’s no right or wrong way to do this, but rather, there’s just doing the best you can to juggle your new family dynamic. Just hang in there, take the time to talk to siblings so they know that you are listening and their little voice matters.
